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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26608882">Even If It's Not With Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocopieyj/pseuds/chocopieyj'>chocopieyj</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Just Need A Time Out [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>GOT7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Based on a song, Getting Back Together, Is An Easy Read I Guess, Light Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Wedding Day, i don't really know how to tag this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:47:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,259</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26608882</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocopieyj/pseuds/chocopieyj</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is ready - the flowers, the guests, the rings. His makeup is done, his white suit impeccable. </p><p>Youngjae knows he's ready for it but there's a voice still saying not to.</p><p>Jaebeom just has an objection.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB, Choi Youngjae/Kang Younghyun | Young K</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Just Need A Time Out [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1708972</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Even If It's Not With Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm back!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Youngjae looks at himself in the mirror for the n time to make sure everything is as perfect as it should be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His suit is actually pretty simple, a black satin shirt, tie, white blazer and tight pants of the same color that hugs his thighs and reveals his shaped legs to perfection. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bambam has done a great job with the light makeup he applied and in fixing his hair too, he personally wanted to cut it but his friend warned him that he would kill him if he cut it before the big day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighs once more, trying to shake the uneasiness off him and looks out the window.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The garden where the ceremony will take place looks amazing like this - the lighting, the white and blue flowers, all the golden decorations around it, it's beautiful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guests have already started to arrive, the officiant is also already there talking to his future husband and his parents are receiving the guests with impeccable smiles, but he notices his mother's eyes are everywhere, looking at every detail carefully to make sure everything's perfect.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is his mother, she doesn't allow any mistakes in absolutely any aspect of her life and something like her son's wedding has to be as perfect as possible - each chair is perfectly aligned with the other, each guest is sitting in their place specifically assigned, every second of the day is already scheduled and busy with an activity, even each petal is perfectly in its place.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nothing is going to go wrong, it was what his fiancé told him the night before and Youngjae knows it well, nothing could go wrong, it's going to be the perfect wedding, just as it had been planned since the proposal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wonders fleetingly what would have happened if he wouldn’t have accepted. Where would he be now if he had rejected him? Most likely not where he wanted to be anyway, but that's not even an option anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shouldn't even have that in mind when he's 10 minutes away from getting married and after all the time that has passed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's going to do this and everything is going to turn out as well as it should be, he convinces himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hey! You're ready?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jinyoung, one of his best friends, walks into the room he's waiting in and smiles softly at him. It's the moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae smiles too and nods, it's done, there's nothing else he can do but go down and say his vows.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Let's go."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Are you sure you want to do it?" Jinyoung stops him for a moment, there is a slightly concerned tone in his voice, "You can still think about it, you know?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm sure, and it's not like I can regret it now."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It's never too late to make the right decision, Youngjae."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I made the right decision, hyung. This is what I want to do,” he says a bit defensively but he's not surprised, Jinyoung never really agreed with this wedding thing anyway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>From the moment he told him that he was going to get married, his friend strongly objected, according to him, it was too early. He hasn't dated Younghyun long enough to be sure he wants to get married, not enough time has passed to get over his previous relationship.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Youngjae has gotten over it or he would at some point, never mind. He also doesn't need to have dated Younghyun for 80 years to be sure of what he wants to do with that aspect of his life, after all it doesn't matter if they have been together like this for just a year since they have been friends for most of their lives, they know each other well enough and most of all, his parents totally approve of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With Younghyun there's no problem.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Jinyoung can't see past all the drama he experienced with his former boyfriend - It was a relationship with too much of everything to forget just like that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Youngjae isn't going to get stuck there, it's not fair to keep waiting for something that isn't going to happen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You don't even love him."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I do."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Not like that, and you know it well," Jinyoung huffs in exasperation, he knows when something gets into his head, it's impossible to make him see reason.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I do love him. I will! I can learn to love him along the way."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No Jae, that kind of love can't be learned," he says, softening his voice, "The love you need to have for him is born in you. It's something natural, not something that can be forced."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Then what do I do?" Youngjae says, holding back. He's not going to ruin the makeup, Bambam would kill him if he walked down the aisle with the eyeliner all smeared, “Things are like this and that's what I want. I'm sure of what I'm going to do."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Youngjae..."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hyung, please," Youngjae asks in a whisper, as if he's angry but Jinyoung knows him better, he can see that this subject still hurts him, that of him being already over it is just shit, "Besides, why are you scolding me? As if I was entirely the one to blame for what happened."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm not scolding you, I just don't want you to make a mistake."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It'll be fine, Jinyoung hyung," the youngest smiles as falsely as Jinyoung has seen him smile ever, silently walking to the garden where the guests are already in their places, Younghyun is at the front and the orchestra begins to play the tune that's the track to make his entrance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jinyoung goes first, and he follows, Younghyun smiles sweetly at him and he tries to give him one back as best as he can.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Walking down that hall is like doing it in a long, dark and cold tunnel, where he can only hear the wedding march and he sees the end in the distance, but there's no light, there's only more darkness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn't realize the happy looks their guests give him, how proud his parents look, and the discreet tears that run down his mother-in-law's face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Younghyun takes his arm, looking at him with that sweet smile, before turning to the officiant and Jinyoung on his left, looks at him with a mixture of sadness and disappointment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And his restless heart is pounding, as if trying to force his feet to move away from there - in his mind, there's only one person, but he tries and ignores it, another part of him is already determined and he'll not change his mind right at that moment for something that no longer exists.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning, we’re here to see the marriage of Younghyun and Youngjae. First of all, I’ll proceed to read the marriage certificate…"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae sighs heavily when the officiant begins to speak, his mind wanders elsewhere, barely listening when he talks about the meaning of marriage, finding happiness together, and a pile of mindless trash.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When it all started, he thought it would be easy, he loves Younghyun that's true but maybe it's not enough, maybe Jinyoung's right and he can still regret it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He also thinks about Jaebeom, where he would be and what they would be doing if they were still together. It seems like centuries ago they were truly happy and nothing else mattered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But there's no point in even remembering now. This is the right thing to do, this is what he has to do and what he wants, he convinces himself in his mind until, finally, the moment comes to exchange vows.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae looks at Jinyoung hoping that he would give him a reassuring look, a smile, or somehow let him know that he's going to be okay, but his friend seems just as distracted as himself. He's like nervous and looks at the entrance and the watch on his wrist non stop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Before I begin I have to ask," says the officiant in a loud and clear voice, "Is there anyone who has a reason to prevent this union from taking place?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The entire room is silent and the judge looks at Jinyoung doubtfully, who looks at his watch nervously again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Youngjae had been a little more attentive, he would realize how suspicious this exchange of glances between the judge and his friend was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They spent almost a minute in silence - much longer than they were supposed to, before the officiant sighs and smiles at them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Well, so I ask you, Younghyun, do you want to marry Youngjae and do you actually marry him in this act?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I do," Younghyun answers quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Youngjae, do you want to marry Younghyun and do you actually marry him in this act?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae smiles the best he can, and answers he does. Younghyun is also smiling and repeats what the officiant says, putting a ring on his finger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae's facade is solid but he feels defeated, all internal hope that this wouldn't happen is extinguished and he realizes at that point there would really be no going back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I, Youngjae," he says in his turn, Jinyoung hands him the ring that he would put on his soon husband with a gesture of slight dissatisfaction, "Take you, Younghyun, as my-"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Youngjae!" Someone yells before he can finish, and the garden is filled with whispers from the guests, he sees his parents getting up from their seats with angry looks and Younghyun staring at a point behind him, between angry and worried.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's a couple of seconds when everything is confusion and then Youngjae turns around, following Younghyun's gaze to see what everyone sees.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And there he is - in sweatpants, a very baggy, old sweatshirt and a pink cap that Youngjae recognizes as his own, he looks like he just got out of the shower and he’s breathing very fast and ragged, as if he has run a marathon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Him, the light at the end of his tunnel.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae’s heart starts beating so fast that it seems like it would pop out of his chest at any moment and his eyes, it's as if they don't want to stop looking at him, it's been so long since the last time they saw each other that he's afraid to even blink, because he doesn’t want to lose sight of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Jaeb-" he starts to say but Younghyun cuts him off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What are you doing here?!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I..." says the newcomer, inhaling deeply to try to control his heavy breathing, "I do have an objection."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae's parents walk over, and his mother points an accusing finger at him, "Stop talking nonsense and go before we call security."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Jaebeom..." Youngjae whispers, he’s still staring at him with wide eyes, as if he’s seeing an apparition, Jaebeom seems to have not heard his mother’s threat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom's first instinct is to grab Youngjae's arm, but Younghyun stands in front of him, preventing him from approaching.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Go away."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Didn’t you hear me?" Jaebeom laughs dryly, managing to grab Youngjae by the wrist, "I have an objection."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What are you doing here?" Youngjae asks at last, as he starts to come out of his reverie, trying to shake off the grip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"We need to talk," the other says, trying to pull him out of there, but Younghyun stops him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"We're not stopping the wedding because of your tantrum, Im Jaebeom."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Let me go!" Youngjae demands even though his whole body draws closer to him like a magnet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"5 minutes," Jaebeom asks looking at him tenderly, it's that look he used to see him with every day and he hates him a bit for that - he can't come back after so long and look at him as if he still feels the same, "Give me 5 minutes, then you can come back here if that's what you want."</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"You can talk to him </span>
  <em>
    <span>after</span>
  </em>
  <span> the ceremony," Youngjae's mother growls but Jaebeom, still staring at Youngjae, shakes his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It has to be now, before... Youngjae... please?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae sighs, looks at Younghyun briefly and then at Jaebeom again, "5 minutes."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom doesn't wait for him to tell him twice and walks out with Youngjae's hand in his. They almost run into the house and enter the same room where Youngjae was just moments ago, locking the door behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What are you doing, hyung?!" Youngjae asks, frowning annoyed. And it's not that he's faking it, it really bothers him that after all, Jaebeom had decided to show up when he was already determined to forget him once and for all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom sighs, trying to get closer but Youngjae takes a step back, "Are you really marrying Younghyun?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, isn't it obvious? Is this what you wanted to tell me so urgently?” The youngest snorts, looking out the window at the garden.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mother, although trying for the sake of appearances, can’t hide the fury that boils in her blood, she has never liked Jaebeom very much and him showing up when her son was about to marry someone who meets fully her standards it bothers her greatly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Younghyun has no expression on his face, his eyes fixed on the house as if waiting for Youngjae to come out but deep down he didn’t believe he was going to do so and the guests whisper behind his back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jinyoung on the other hand, is the only one who looks relieved and to hide the smile that was drawn on his lips, he turns to the window where Youngjae is. Youngjae shakes his head but his friend just mouths something like ‘talk to him’.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"How can you do that to me, Youngjae? It's not fair." Jaebeom whispers and suddenly he turns small. Youngjae turns his gaze to him, snorting, as if he can't believe what he's hearing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"How can </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> do that to you?" He replies with a dry laugh, “Don't fuck with me! It was you who broke up with me, in case you don't remember. What did you expect? Me waiting for you like an idiot, being in love with you all my fucking life? I just did what you told me to do, Jaebeom, I moved on."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom closes his eyes, inhales deeply. Of course he remembers it very well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What he had with Youngjae had been beautiful, bordering on perfect, although he didn't like to brag - it was the kind of relationship that everyone wants and envies.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They got along well, they could talk about a thousand different things without getting bored, or about nothing at all without the silence being uncomfortable - the mere presence of the other was enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he looks back, Jaebeom’s sure that he has never felt anything like what he still feels for Youngjae for any other person - he’s the person who he loves the most in the world, there was no one before and he’s sure, there would be no one after.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he always told him,</span>
  <em>
    <span> 'You’re the person for me, Youngjae'</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Youngjae would smile and reply with an </span>
  <em>
    <span>'I love you'</span>
  </em>
  <span> that made him shudder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had a good relationship, they wanted to be together, they loved each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then they started making plans - what they would do after college, where they wanted to travel, where they would live, and other plans for the future, a future they wanted to have together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a future that Youngjae's parents didn’t approve of - a boy like Jaebeom had no future, they said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Chois never liked their son dating Jaebeom - he didn't belong in that social circle, he didn't have enough money, he didn't have enough influential connections, he studied arts and surely wouldn't go far, he’d spoil his son's bright future.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was fine when they were just dating, they didn't mess with him much because they believed it would be over soon, just their son’s whim, but when they realized they were serious, they started meddling and brought trouble.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was difficult to maintain a relationship when someone got into it, when someone told them what to do with their relationship, when they went out of their way to make Jaebeom feel like he was unwelcome and filled Youngjae's head with bad ideas about him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had never fought, not beyond the pointless arguments that meant nothing but then everything became a problem. Everything was good to argue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the end, they both got tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being up against a rock and a hard place, tired of trying to meet someone's expectations. Jaebeom adored Youngjae but there came a time when he had enough. He didn't want to fight anymore, nor did he want to see Youngjae argue with his parents because of him. He knew it was difficult for him too having to choose between Jaebeom and his family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the end, he made it easy for him, he decided to leave but that broke him. It hurt to know that he was hurting Youngjae, that he was leaving the one who was undoubtedly the love of his life, but that would make it easier for Youngjae in the long run. The relationship with his family would be restored and he would find someone else, he would be happy, gradually.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last thing he said to Youngjae while kissing him lightly on the forehead was </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘You'll be fine without me, Jae. Find someone who can make you happy.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He ignored Youngjae's calls, asking him not to leave, yelling that he was the one who made him happy. This was for the best even though neither of them could see it at the time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a few months he knew Youngjae was dating Younghyun, his childhood friend, who was always jealous of Jaebeom, and that obviously broke him even more, it hurt his soul, but he tried to be happy for him. If it was what Youngjae wanted, it was fine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How much did he want to go and get him back, how many times did he stare at his phone with Youngjae's number on the screen about to call him but he convinced himself that Youngjae was happy without him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he found out that Youngjae was getting married it broke his heart, confirming that the person he still loved had gotten over him, that he really didn't need him by his side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As long as he's happy, he told himself. If he’s happy, I’m fine. He was willing to accept it, although that didn’t lessen the pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jinyoung brought him out of the stupor one day, from those stories he had made up in his head, "Youngjae loves you," he told him, "He does this just because he thinks he's going to forget you like that. If you think he's happy, you're an idiot. He’s not, nor he’ll ever be."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Those words slowly consumed him, what was the point then? After that, everything was all an impulse. He wanted to hear from Youngjae's mouth the truth of why he was doing that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was no time to call him, or meet him. The wedding would be the next day and well, Youngjae's family wouldn't let him get close to him, so he decided to get in the middle, while they were busy with something else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Are you happy?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae seems confused at the question, he expected anything but that, "Why do you care? Is that what you came for, really? Won't you ask me to come back or not to get married or some stupid thing like that?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I need you to answer me first."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What? Only if I tell you that I’m not, you're going to rescue me?" He asks dryly, rolling his eyes, "If I say I am, are you going to respect this, without trying anything?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I want you to be happy."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"With someone else? Away from your life?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Even if it's not with me." Jaebeom nods, trying to slowly get closer to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"That’s stupid."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It’s not."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae doesn't answer, he looks outside again, sighing heavily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I have to go back."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom stops him, taking him by the arm to look into his eyes, "Youngjae. Are you happy? Is this what you really want? From your heart? Do you love him?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Why does it matter?! Whether I want to or not, I will." The younger one answers angry, though this time he makes an effort to get away from him, his treacherous body reacts to every touch, to the sound of his voice, to his smell. His heart beats uncontrollably in his chest, evidencing only one thing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I won't let you do it if it's not what you really want."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Why?! Why is my happiness suddenly important? You didn't care the day you left me!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"That was… I thought you would be better." Jaebeom stutters, Youngjae's happiness was the only thing he thought about back then too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I begged you! I went after you asking you not to leave!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I know."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I waited for you."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I know. But I was confident that you would forget me. And I wasn't wrong! You started dating Younghyun but… now I have to know. Before you take a step like this, I want to hear from your mouth tell me you're happy."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Are you?" Youngjae suddenly softens his voice, looking at him almost desperately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"But if I am, you'll go."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Yes."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae is frustrated, he pushes Jaebeom away from him again, he hates him, he hates this, "Why? Why wouldn't you ask me to think over it again?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I put your happiness before everything." It's easy for Jaebeom to understand, all he wants for Youngjae is a happy life, why does it seem like Youngjae doesn't get it? "I'm not going to screw it up one more time."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boy shakes his head, his gaze fixed on the ground and his voice whispering, "Why are you doing this?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I want your happiness even at mine’s expense."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"And why?!" Youngjae screams again, but Jaebeom knows him, he knows he's trying to hold back the tears, "Why is my happiness more important than yours?!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Youngjae..."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Answer me! What do you want? Why are you coming just today saying stupid things?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I love you so much Youngjae!" In the end Jaebeom also explodes, he thinks it’s obvious, but maybe what he really wants is a little hope, something that tells him that it’s not over yet, that or maybe he needs Youngjae to destroy his feelings once and for all. "I’ll always love you. And if you’re happy, if this is what you really want, I accept it. Because I want to see you being happy. Of course I don't want you to get married. I want you to be with me but I don't want to be selfish. This isn’t about me but about you."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You love me?" The younger laughs, a sound that’s more pitiful than he would have liked, "After what you did to me and after all this time?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I let you go, but that doesn't mean I stopped loving you."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Don’t!" If Jaebeom wanted to confuse him more, or hurt him, it was working. How convinced was he that Jaebeom really didn't want him anymore? Just so now he comes to say that he did everything for him. No. That wasn't for Youngjae, he did it for himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Stop, just stop!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom sighs wearily, maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all. "If you still feel even half the love I still have for you, you might understand."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I don't understand! I don't want to understand, I want you to do something about it! If you love me, get me out of here without asking! Ask me to come back!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You haven't answered me yet."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Of course I'm not happy! I miss you and I love you but..." Youngjae closes his eyes, after this he still had a wedding and he couldn't go out with his makeup ruined. "You obviously don't love me."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Of course I love you!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Nice way of showing it, kicking me out using as an excuse that it's something you did for me."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I thought you were going to be happy, that you would forget me in the end. That everything would be easier for you if I left."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae shakes his head, taking time to reply, "Who do you think you are to assume my feelings? If you knew that you were going to be miserable after leaving me, why did you think I was going to feel different?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom doesn't answer, he had no answer for that. He just assumed Youngjae would be better but he never stopped to think that his heart would be as broken as his.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And not because he thought he loved him less or underestimated his feelings, but apparently for Youngjae that's exactly what he did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom only thought about his relationship with his family, it was something that has always been important to Youngjae and he thought that if he restored that, if he regained the support of his parents, the rest would go away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And while for Jaebeom that’s a way to show his love, for Youngjae it was the opposite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Getting no response, Youngjae officially gives up on the topic, "I'm not going to leave something good just to see when it occurs to you to really worry about my feelings. You better go."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Youngjae!" Jaebeom stops him just before leaving, they’re close enough to feel his breath on his cheek, he can see those small, almost imperceptible moles on his face hidden under makeup and the color in his eyes, so clear they reflect his.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slowly he brings one of his hands to his lips, kisses his knuckles with a softness worthy of such a smooth skin, presses his lips there for a couple of seconds before looking up, bringing his face a little closer to his.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae holds his breath, there’s not a single sound but his ears are ringing, his gaze fixed on Jaebeom's lips and he thinks how much he has missed him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He also approaches slowly, his heart pounding in the pit of his stomach and blinking has become a difficult task. He gets closer and lets Jaebeom do too, enough that their lips brush slightly, but as soon as he feels the contact, he turns his face immediately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Go away," he says without looking at him, in a barely audible whisper, his chest burning and he doesn't know if it's from his heart beating so fast or from holding his breath for so long.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom sighs heavily, pulling away against his will and nods even though he doesn't want to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Have a good life, Jae."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You too."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Without saying more, Jaebeom leaves his life once more and Youngjae waits in the room until he’s sure that he’s gone, he’s afraid to see him for another second because he’s sure that he’ll be the one who will run after him this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He waits until the feeling of emptiness that remains goes back to the hidden place where it has been for the last few months.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae thinks he looks completely composed now, at least he hopes to look better than he feels and leaves the room praying to all the sacred he hadn't taken too long to come back, so they can go on with the ceremony as if nothing had happened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course, it's going to be impossible for them not to ask questions after Jaebeom's grand entrance but of the evils, the least and he's glad when he sees that it’s Younghyun the one waiting for him on the stairs and not his parents.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hyung!" He calls him faking his voice a bit too much, perhaps it comes out too cheerful, “What are you doing here? Let's go back."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Younghyun doesn't follow him, he raises his eyebrows and seems even calmer than Youngjae himself, who is trying hard to pretend he's okay, "What happened there?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I had a talk with Jaebeom,” but even saying his name is difficult for him right now, his voice shakes softly and he clears his throat to get rid of the lump, “He was just being a jerk, but he's not going to bother us anymore. Let's go."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The older one sits on the steps, sighing deeply. “I don't want to marry you, Youngjae. Not if you don't love me."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I love you..." Youngjae responds, though that seems more like a question than a statement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Not like you do him," Younghyun smiles when Youngjae sits next to him, and sighs again, "I think it's better to stop this."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hyung, no! The wedding and we're ready... but... and our parents..."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know well you don't want to do it and to be honest I'm not sure if I want to. I don't think I want to marry you while you think of someone else."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"But I do love you!" Youngjae insists, but Younghyun has been his friend all his life. He probably knows him better than he knows himself. If even he can see it, he doesn't understand why he's trying to convince him otherwise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I know you do, but it's not the same, is it?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I don't…"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You gave him your whole heart Youngjae, and he never gave it back. And you haven't returned his either."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's right. Youngjae's still stuck there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I took the liberty of canceling the wedding. I'm sorry," Younghyun stands up and points towards the garden, Youngjae hadn't noticed but there are almost no guests anymore and his mother looks like she's going to pull her hair out soon, "Jinyoung seemed very happy to send everyone off."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Why did you do that?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You should go get him, try to fix yours. Jaebeom looked devastated when he left."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"But…"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Younghyun when he smiles this time, he looks genuinely amused and rolls his eyes, "Youngjae, really. It's better this way. You should stop worrying about your parents too, one day they'll understand. Besides, now they hate me for canceling everything so... I'll use those honeymoon tickets if you don't mind. Consider it my pay back."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae's in shock, trying to understand everything that's going on. He got rid of Jaebeom, he wanted to do this and suddenly it's his fiancé who doesn't want him anymore. He's probably doing him a favor - after all, what he really wants is definitely not to get married.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's also not so sure if he wants to run back into Jaebeom's arms, he still thinks the position that Jaebeom took is stupid and what he really needs is to clarify his own feelings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He only regrets that this turned out like this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hyung… I'm sorry."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His friend shrugs, resigned, "Just go to him, stop being idiots, the both of you."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's the last thing he says before he leaves, leaving him alone to deal with what's left of the failed wedding. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He deserves it, he thinks, filling himself with strength to endure his mother's screams and Jinyoung's insufferable smirk.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sunset has always been magnificent from that abandoned point.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's on a highway in the middle of nowhere, a small rest area and, in addition to being a dirt space next to the road, there's not much else, except the view that can be appreciated from there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hadn't set foot there in a while, maybe since he and Jaebeom started having problems and when they broke up, he didn't really want to see the horizon from there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Right now he's not sure why he's there, he just got in his car and drove, aimlessly but his mind automatically brought him here.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's a special place, he thinks, filling his lungs with fresh air, he leans against the thick wooden fence and looks down, it's the same as he remembers it - a cliff and a free fall to trees and thorny bushes but in front, the sky is clearer than he has ever seen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closes his eyes, inhaling deeply and thinks about the first time they ended up there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were coming back from the beach - Jaebeom stopped to check the car, which started making some weird noise from a few kilometers back, and that was the first stop they saw.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was the perfect timing, almost like fate, they stopped there just at sunset time and fell in love, it was the perfect lookout point - in the middle of nowhere just him, Jaebeom and the sky.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After that it became a special place they went to frequently. On days when they celebrated something, when they had difficult days and wanted to de-stress, unimportant days when they just wanted a moment of solitude, just them together without thinking about anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Those were good times, he thinks as a smile inevitably appears on his face but the thought of Jaebeom still hurts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thinks of going home but something stops him and he stays an hour more and then another and another, that place is like a magnet and he doesn't find in himself to go against it and just stays, waits.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It's a beautiful sight," a voice speaks behind him, he has heard a car stopping but still he's startled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae just nods without taking his eyes off the horizon, his fingers playing with a splinter in the wood.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"This place is like a magnet, I always end up coming over and over again, it's like it awakens something in me."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Something like what?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hope? I think so."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Of what?" Youngjae then turns around, fixing his eyes on the other this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Of meeting you." Jaebeom smiles softly at him, reaching out to brush his fingers against the skin of his cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The touch is too brief, not enough, but Youngjae still flinches, looking for more contact.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What are you doing here?" He asks in a whisper, getting closer to him just a little bit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I told you, this place is a magnet. What about you?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae shrugs, looking away and fixing his eyes on the view again, "I just came."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I heard your fiance called the wedding off," Jaebeom also whispers and looks straight ahead, he sounds almost genuinely shocked, as if he doesn't know why it happened, "I'm sorry."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Huh, are you, really?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"A little bit, yes."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence envelops them and they watch in silence the sun setting between mountains, the sky changes from orange to violet before turning dark blue in a couple of minutes and they’re left in the dark, illuminated only by a couple of lamps with yellowish and flickering light that hardly work.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You know?" Youngjae says and his voice echoes around a bit, the night feels warm despite everything, “As soon as I saw you break in the wedding I think I was ready to go with you only if you asked, I really expected you to say what you really want too. That selfish want as you call it, but then you just kept on with that crap of I want what you want... What do </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> want Jaebeom hyung?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom sighs, turns around and takes him by the shoulders, staring directly into his eyes, they’re deep yet still soft, "I want you. I want you with me."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae can't help but smile, he doesn't try to stop it either, he no longer wants to stop what he feels or what he wants, and he's tired of waiting. Jaebeom shakes his head for no reason and stifles a laugh, his eyes traveling from Youngjae's eyes to his lips and he doesn't care about anything else.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He takes him by the waist not as gently as he intends, and attacks his mouth without waiting a second more, he had waited long enough and it feels like a dream, after having believed that he would never be able to kiss him like that again, ever.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But here they are, and Youngjae's lips are still the perfect complement to his and it still tastes like cherries and his fingers on the back of his neck still give him light chills.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And there he decides, he was an idiot in the past but he’s not going to let him go again for anything at all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they part, Youngjae pecks him before pulling away completely and they both laugh like teenagers in love for the first time, it's like coming home after a long and really tiring journey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What's going to happen now?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom stays silent putting his eyes on Youngjae, and then on the floor, and on the horizon where nothing but darkness is seen anymore, maybe doubtful but he doesn't really think too much before taking Youngjae's hand, kneeling in front of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Will you marry me?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Youngjae's smile grows impossibly bigger, and he has to restrain himself from jumping right there, but his response is calm and composed, "How insensitive, my fiance just left me right at my wedding day."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Oh, right." The other stands up, he’s pouting fakely sad - that makes Youngjae’s heart skip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Try again in a couple of weeks and maybe I'll think about it."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaebeom smiles, and hugs him tightly, squeezing his body into his arms, he knows they have issues to solve but now they have the time to do it, “God I miss you. I missed you so much I was going crazy."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm here. Just don't let me go."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I couldn't be such an idiot twice."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You better." Youngjae punches him playfully and then they’re laughing, little giggles that aren't enough to express anything, but right now it's exactly what they need.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So, in the middle of nowhere, together again, the I love you’s aren’t necessary.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was kind of based on a song named "Aunque no se conmigo" from a spanish singer.</p><p>I was being a bit uninspired and feeling not great so I went lost from here but I'm back with more things!! </p><p>I said I wanted to write more divorced-but still in love 2jae, this is not exactly that but so so (?) lol</p><p>And let me tell you, I was this close to leave an open ending but I don't want to suffer for now xD</p><p>What do you think? </p><p>Hope you liked!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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